Woke up today at 10pm, because people were either yelling or speaking too loud, I can't make the difference between these two things anyway. Getting up so early really sucked, because I planned not get up before 1 pm. So I stood up, turned the computer on with my toe and sat behind the desk. I didn't log into msn, because I just couldn't be bothered with talking to someone. I started surfing, because I needed to feed my addictions. Feeding my addictions always makes me feel better, but today... it didn't. Soon I realized it's already 12.30 and my room was still pitch-dark. I pulled the curtains up, got dressed and went on the computer again. I should have gone to skate at 12 o'clock, but fuck it right now, it can wait, I got more addictions to feed. At about 13.00 I went to the kitchen, thought about making some coffee. Coffee always cures these awful feelings, atleast for half an hour. But then I thought fuck it, I don't need it, I can be just alright without it. I'll be strong.. Right?.. Am I right? Oh well.. we'll see. Went back onto the computer again, got nothing else to do on this stupid day. On 13:45 I decided to start cooking. I didn't feel hungry, but it always helps me when I feel down. I guess it just feels great to create something with your own hands. But today it didn't. The food tasted great, but I still felt like a worthless piece of sh*t.
Maybe I should just let go of the echo I'm chasing?
Right now I'm making some special calming-tea. If I'm lucky it'll make me want to go to sleep. But I don't think I can sleep with thoughts like these on my mind. I'll be happy if it would just calm my nerves down. Maybe I should just take some pills, but I don't think I have any that would make me feel good right now. I've got some that would make me so relaxed that I wouldn't understand a fuck, but hell no, I ain't gonna take them right now.
Adrenaline, mescaline, ephedrine and apple sauce.
I think I'm going to the skatepark soon. And probably start doing something I'm not good at there. Falling feels good. It's like hitting someone makes people calmer, but it's only with that one difference that you're hitting yourself. It's like saying, I'm beating myself, because I'm not allowed to hit anyone else.
I just feel like I'm fighting someone who doesn't even know that we're fighting. Someone who doesn't even know somethings wrong. Someone who's done something wrong and doesn't even know it. I think it's hate I'm feeling. I'm not a hater-person. I rarely feel like saying something bad to someone. I suck at being angry. If I ever get bad feelings towards someone it always feels like I just got bad feelings towards myself. If I start to hate someone it finally ends up me hating myself. But not today, not yesterday and not probably tommorow. Now it feels like I'm only hating myself 50% and the other half is on someone else. I'll just have to gather enough strength to end it all if it continues this way. I'd maybe even end it all today, but fuck it, I'm too weak. Too afraid of myself. Too afraid of the future.
Gotta deal with the demons, before they deal with me.
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Are pod people more flexible, you think? |
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